me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
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Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.