classic mixup
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I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Storm Tropical Storm
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face