them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
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I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I forgot how to panic. Help
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.