Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
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ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…