Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
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I have many caverns
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
The USS B port
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?