Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
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Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
We need more people like this.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.