Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
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23. the denim jacket
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die