Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
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killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Wait for it
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.