Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
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Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.