Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
You Might Also Like
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
In banana years, I am bread.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I am also baked goods
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]