Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
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My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Safety first
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
me, too, girl. me, too.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless