Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
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Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.