Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
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“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?