The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
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[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.