Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
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Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed