My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
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That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
That’s no pocket rocket.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Wedding planning is organized crime.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.