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I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking