I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
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We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet