You Might Also Like
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.