I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
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Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
me: my friends:
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail