I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
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[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
United Steaks of America
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
they finally got him. they got macavity
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I mean…but I did
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Monday
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?