[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
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Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Spring cleaning checklist…
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I love wikipedia
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
The Backseat Boys
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.