I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
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I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.