Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
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No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
i prefer mine room temperature.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.