Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
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We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.