And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
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Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Breaking news:
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no