Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
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A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy