After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
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Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
motivation
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.