I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
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Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
absolutely not
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.