Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
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DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!