Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
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NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Cats (2019)
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.