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[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I triple waxed for this?
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Seek kebab; not attention
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules