5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
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Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Pot warmers of the day.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.