Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
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I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.