Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
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me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Tier 3 meme
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.