ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
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Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.