Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
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My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”