You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
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*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Them: Just act casual
Me:
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.