Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
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purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I just tested negative for patience.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian