dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
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WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
early stone age tool
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.