unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
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Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
forgive me baja for i have blast
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police