WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
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Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I love twitter
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.