3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
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A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.