they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
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My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.