Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
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My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
The asteroid..
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
They’re the worst 😩
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer