A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
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I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.