πππππππππππππ
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My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and Iβm so proud sheβs the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 thatβs 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: β¦like I said, said proudβ¦
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
me trying to get a bartenderβs attention
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
Heβll have to mow round me, Iβm not moving.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing βHead & Shoulders Neeson toesβ.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
βWell, well, well, your true color finally comes out,β I say to my bruise.
weβre insta mutuals now πππ
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Recycling in 2019: Iβm not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didnβt have a party Iβm just an alcoholic
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*