The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
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I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
that wasn’t the question
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples