Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
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Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.