Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
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“We will wed,” I threatened
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
went fishing caught a bass
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
who did the taste test?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.